So, just took 3 Clonazepam, 2 Ambien, and 10 Darvon.  30 more Darvon to go if I want to die.  I can stop at any time and be fine I think so I haven't make THE decision yet.  Not sure why I'm updating - think I'll go watch TV and drink my Hennessy in front of the lovely fire I have going.

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Okay, took the Dramamine to prevent vomitting.  Takes about an hour to work and then I would be taking all the pills (if I decide that's what I'm doing).  Not sure what I'm going to do right now.  Guess I'll work on a note to my family after I have a smoke and some more booze.

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Well, called my little brother to tell him I loved him (it's 12:30 am).  He asked what was wrong and I said I just wanted to hear his voice and let him know how much I loved him.  Then I said goodnight and hung up.  Called my mom's house, but my stepdad answered so I hung up.  That's just as well.

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Just got back from the store with my anti-nausea medication, which is the last item I needed to overdose effectivly.  Now all that's left is writing the notes and doing it.  Why the fuck did I just buy groceries, too?  I guess tonight might not be the night?

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I certainly feel like I'm a drain on everyone and I'm not giving back.  I feel like all I do lately is talk about suicide and depression and I don't want it to come across like I'm fishing for compliments or seeking attention or expecting people to tell me good things about myself, or trying to talk me out.  I'm not meaning to be dramatic or cry wolf or worry anyone or any of that  I'm simply expressing what is in my head and right now it's not good.  I don't think it's fair for me to do that on a consistent basis, while at the same time not offering that support in return, to my friends.  

All of my spare energy these days are going to my acquaintances (proanorexia mostly) and those are people who need guidance, yes, but most of them don't know me from Adam and have somehow gotten it in their heads that I'm some harsh power-hungry bitch trying to curtail free speech and ban people for sneezing wrong.  Really, who am I to make judgements on anyone anyway - It's not like I was elected to this "job" because everyone thought I would be the best person for it.  At the same time, it's not fair for me to complain about anything because I've brought it all on myself by wanting to change things up in my own way.  

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who even gives a shit.  Maybe there is a place for 13-year-olds to learn how to starve and puke and maybe proanorexia is it?  Who am I - I'm just as fucked up as the rest of us - it's like the blind leading the blind.  Most of the time I feel like I try so hard but still fuck it all up and that's more disappointing than not trying at all.  Logically, I know that you can't make everyone happy, but it really bothers me to make anyone unhappy.  I need to be perfect and I also feel like that's all anyone will allow me to be.  I make a mistake and everyone jumps down my throat - don't you get that I hate me enough for all of us combined?

I guess I'm kind of feeling like I just want to curl up in a ball and have my friends circle the wagons around me and take care of everything in my life.  I'm sure everyone wants that, I'm no one special.  I just feel so alone in the midst of so many online conversations and friends.  I somehow want my "friends" to have my back and yell at the people that are upsetting me in some way.  Maybe I'm not sure I'm doing the right/best things and I hope to get some confirmation.  It's not like I don't think I matter to anyone - I don't think that at all, I just feel like I'm not being a good enough friend to the people I truly care about and being a good, loyal, compassionate friend is one of the only things that makes me feel like a decent person (and rescuing animals).

I called in to work last night for today and totally lied to my boss to say that I threw out my back and would be in bed all day and drugged up.  It's possible that I will get fired or at the very least yellsed at/talled to about my attendance issues.  I don't know if I'm purposely trying to lose my job so it will get me that much closer to killing myself.  I'm also thinking about going off my Prozac for the same reason (plus, it's hardly helping anyway, obviously).  I'm going to stop now again because it's another lame post where I'm feeling sorry for myself.  Right now I think i"ll have a glass of Hennessy and pretend I'm sofisticated (and possibly of African descent).  Anything that's not me.

Oh, before anyone thinks I'm being racists, it's been my experience that black people I've known like Hennessy, but feel free to yell at me if you want - it's an excellent cognac and I'm glad I was introduced to it.

Kristi

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I think I might just go away for awhile.  I'm such a shitty person - always making these depressing posts, not responding to my comments (which I read and are great and supportive).  I don't think I have friends left anymore ( and if I do, they certainly aren't getting anything out of their relationship with me.)  I'm being so selfish and self-absorbed and needy and whiney.  That's why I need to stop and give you guys all a break from my crap.  I'm so sorry for being a taker and not being there for you like you've been for me.  Take care of each other and know that even if I'm not being good at showing it, I do truly care about you guys.  I hope to come back with a better attitude, so I'm not sure when that will be (who knows - maybe I'll sleep this current funk off and feel great in the morning?)  Thank you all for being such sweet and caring people - that's really all I wanted to say because I don't do it enough.

Kristi

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Okay, that was probably really stupid and suspicious, but I need to know.  I just emailed my mom, sister, brother, and stepsister asking them if something happens to me if they will all take care of my cats and not give them to a shelter.  I asked my mom and sister a couple years ago the same thing and they said yes, but I didn't believe them completely then and I don't know what they would do now.  My sister lives in St. Thomas, my stepsister has 3 cats of her own and lives in England, and my little brother lives here, but he's not allowed to have animals where he lives.  My mom tried for years for me to get rid of Jasmine because she thought she was too wild and should live in a barn or something.  I already have my cover story if they ask why I'm asking and it's not untrue.  My boss's son died a couple months ago and my boss told me today that his widow is going to get rid of one of their 4 dogs.

Right now I'm drinking some diet hot cocoa with cinnamon schnapps and I really wanted Baileys.  I'll have to go to the liquor store this weekend and stock up with all the money I don't have.  Now I'm looking more at hanging - seems pretty sure and quick, but you are terrified for a couple minutes as your survival mechanisms kick in.  I'm not sure where I could find a place to hang the rope, that's the biggest problem.  It's not like I can tie on end to my porch railing and then just be dangling there dying in front of my neighbor's window.  Well, I'm still researching.  No matter what I do, I'm thinking the best place would be a hotel room.  I know that's shitty to do to the staff that finds me when they come to see why I'm not checked out, but I could really go for days and days of being dead in my apartment before anyone actually thought to come in an look for me.  I don't want my family to see it - only like ambulance people.

I'm kind of doing things I normally wouldn't because I'm hoping to be dead soon.  Like purging at work today - had several bagels and cream cheese (when no one was looking, of course) then had to get them out so I went into the bathroom at work and had a lame-ass attempt in the toilet, then puked more on the side of the road where I park my car for lunch.  I really want to call in tomorrow.  Will that get me fired?  Not sure - certainly yelled at and threatened if nothing else.  Do I care if I lose my job?  It would make it easier to die - just one more reason.  But then if I change my mind and don't kill myself, I'll be out of a fairly cushy job where I don't do much on most days.  I wonder what I could even say when calling in.  I was sick for a week just last week.  I could go with a migraine, I could go with some sort of back re-injury (haven't done that one yet - say I took a yoga class last night and totally threw out my back or something).  Do I even care if she believes me or is pissed?  A little bit.  I also don't want her to give me some sort of ultimatum which would make me have to make a permanent decision right then and there.  If she were to say if you don't come in, don't bother coming back, I would probably take the same route I did at 17 when my mom said the same thing about me coming home one night.  I guess I'll figure it out tomorrow somehow. 

BTW, thought this was an interesting horoscope to get today in light of my post about religion (which I wrote before reading the 'scope):
"A Capricorn usually embraces a philosophy or religion on the basis of his or her past experience and rarely on the strength of preordained faith. The celestial energy is asking you to reach some sort of settlement of your existential beliefs, and invited you to assemble your ideas in some sort of cohesive way. Today's aspects will reinforce your efforts at self-determination..."


Kristi.

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Suicide and religion

It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed.  I spent the majority of my day at work yesterday online looking at suicide sites, exploring methods, figuring out the correct dosage of my painkillers to likely cause death, etc.  I didn't do anything work-wise except answer the phones and sit there feeling sorry for myself and getting more depressed, wondering why I never really considered hanging since it seems like a reasonable way to go.  Today seems to be heading that way as well.  The funny thing is, if I'm actually going to kill myself, why would I be getting up and going to work at all?  Showing up on time, staying all day, etc.  Maybe I'm just hoping these feelings will somehow improve and I won't have fucked up my external life too much in the meantime.  I seem to be getting spending more and more time thinking about suicide and the little details and becoming more nonchalant about it all.  It's like I'm thinking about what chores need to get done - laundry, dishes, write details about what to do with my cats when I'm gone, grocery store, gas, pick up anti-nausea medication so I don't puke up my pills before they have a chance to kill me, etc.  I don't know how much longer I should go on waiting for something to change before taking action.  I know I certainly can go on for a very long time if need be.  I can wander through my life like a ghost to make everyone around me feel better.  Suicide is selfish, there is no doubt about it, it doesn't get much more selfish than that.  Is it really any better to live your life for everyone BUT you?

I don't know what I believe happens after death - I really don't.  If I go with some religions, it's a sin to kill yourself and you go to hell, so then I think - can hell be much worse/different than how I feel now?  Things can always be worse I know.  I don't want to believe that if there is a God, that he would be like that - I would hope that he would understand that I reached my breaking point and he would still let me be with Susan.  With those types of religions - Christianity/Catholicism - they believe that God is basically the master of the universe, but we also have free will, which is where the sin comes in.  If God created me and directs my life - he has afflicted me with depression, allowed my sister to suffer for years and then die, allowed me to be raped, allowed me to be attacked and almost killed and on and on.  Yes, I have the free will to decide how to handle those things positively or negatively, but wouldn't he get that it's just too much and I'm not strong enough?  How is it that Christians allow for a mass murderer to fuck up their whole life and then right at the end ask for forgiveness and go to Heaven?  In the Japanese culture, it's considered honorable to kill yourself from what I understand.

So, then there is the idea of reincarnation, where if you've lived a good life, you come back as a higher being.  Guess that would mean I would be a blade of grass or something - what a relief that would be.  Actually, what would probably be more likely is that I would come back with even more difficult circumstances in order for me to learn my life lessons and try to move on the next time.  I don't like the idea of reincarnation and past lives - that means you are never DONE, there is never a point of peace where you get to stop trying.

Then there is the Atheist point of view, which I guess might be more what I am, since I really can't figure any of it out and don't have any set beliefs (well, I guess that's technically Agnostic).  I do believe in Evolution - it makes sense to me.  I also have thoughts that the whole concept of religious beliefs were invented back in the day so that a) people wouldn't feel so alone, b) there are rewards and consequences, meaning there would be a system of social control and a basis for laws, c) things were much more mystical and people came up with the explanations they did before science figured some stuff out, d) human structure is such that there is a natural hierarchy (usually with the father at the top of the family) so people decided that there was a Father for everyone, e) life is very random and people need to try to make sense of it somehow - we need structure and patterns to feel safer, f) people have difficulty dealing with death and grief and avoid the finality of the idea by creating versions of an afterlife, g) people are fairly ego-centric and want to believe they are special and have a soul and are not just a pile of organic matter with no purpose.

I guess this isn't something I'll figure out today and really there may never be any answers - only opinions.  The only people who know for sure are the ones who are dead.  Wouldn't it be interesting if whatever you personally believed was true is what your reality was?  If that's the case, I want to have NOTHINGNESS - no Heaven even, just peace and quiet and no thoughts or feelings.  Whatever.

Kristi

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New link on proanorexia
Hey guys!  I have many other things I should be doing, like responding to emails you guys have sent me.  However, I've put a new link on proanorexia, which is basically an informational article about various common artificial sweeteners / sugar substitutes, since it seems so many of us use them.  People have different feelings about their safety and also whether they might not trigger further cravings for sweets - I personally don't know.  (I'm going to ask a friend of mine if she has time to post a comment with her vast knowledge and opinion on the craving thing.)  The article and information is based in the US, so if there are other sweeteners that you guys in different countries would like to add to the list, please include as much educational information as you have about them.  Also, feel free to comment on the article if you have opinions / thoughts to add that you would like the group to see (but, please skip the quickie or "cool article" type posts, since it's a permanent link).  As always, I welcome any input from you guys good or bad, and am always looking to add more articles to our site if anyone has anything they would like me to consider posting as a link for everyone (there are a few in the works - like I said, I should be doing lots of other/more things).

http://proana-journal.livejournal.com/4025.html

Kristi

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Ahhhhh...Winter....

First, I apologize for the yellow - that's how the email came to me.  I live in Seattle and we have had the shittiest weather non-stop for weeks and weeks - storms, power outages for days at a time, snow, ice, etc. - it has pretty much felt like the Apocalypse.  For those who don't know this area - we all totally freak out driving in any snow, and EVERYONE who lives here (except me) drives an SUV and thinks they are hot shit and they bully all of us little car drivers - you can often find them driving up on a curb to pass traffic or whatever.  A friend of mine passed this story on and I thought it was funny so I'll share...

"I experienced this first hand just last week.   For the past year, I had the satisfaction of knowing that my 4 x 4 Explorer would get me through any tough driving conditions.   Last week, when the three roads leading up the hill to our house were iced over, I discovered that my four wheel drive vehicle had morphed into a 2 wheel drive vehicle.  It was so lovely.

Of the 3 roads, I choose the less-traveled alley way and after failing to make it up the hill, I backed and slid down the road and came to rest more or less sideways.  It was at this moment that I understood the universal law of trucks:  Four wheel drive only works when you don't need it. 

After a few minutes a "friendly" neighbor came out to watch the action and when I asked if he had some sand or kitty litter, he brought out a bucket of the latter.  After spreading it around with my hands I discovered that he had given me USED kitty litter.  So lovely.  With cat crap on my hands, I had to reach into my pockets, scratch my nose etc. Another universal law, I'm sure. Too bad I didn't have some tea and cookies, he and I could have had a nice little picnic, right there in the alley."


Kristi

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baby pics - awwww...
My aunt sent me some pictures of when I was a kid at her house for my birthday.  I'm not completely sure I did it right, but if you want to see them go here:

http://pics.livejournal.com/proana_journal/gallery/00005xck

Kristi

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I'm thinking about Susan, of course I am.  She died less than 2 weeks after my 17th birthday.  I always have these irrational thoughts that if I don't celebrate my birthday or allow anyone else to, somehow that anniversary won't come or I won't notice it.  The numbers are confusing me and they might be trying to signal something to me.  I was born on the 17th of January, meaning I also turned 17 on the 17th that year she died.  Now this year will mark the 17th anniversary of her death.  So, she will have been dead for as long as I was alive when she died.  Maybe that's a sign I'm supposed to do something.  It's certainly a clear indication to me that I will never stop mourning and missing her.  I can't decide if it would be nicer for my family or take away something from Susan if I were to die when she did.  It will hurt my family no matter what day I were to pick.  I'm tired and down and blah today - haven't done anything productive at all.  Maybe some diet hot cocoa will be good right now.

Kristi

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Opinions?

So, I'm looking for some answers from the rational, intelligent people in our community.  This post isn't about a cry for help or looking for attention or making threats.  I'm just really wanting some reasonable opinions from you guys if you have them and want to share them with me about suicide.

I've been thinking more lately about how life is really about routine and ruts.  It's nice when you get into good ruts (I don't know what to call it really) and then one thing lead to another and pretty soon life is pretty smooth.  Of course it works the other way quite often as well.  One bad thing happens, which affects your emotions, which then affect your actions (like pulling away from people) and on and on until you are in a hole so deep you aren't sure how to find the light again.  You are sad and depressed and alone and hopeless and it seems like suicide might be the only option to even make a change in your life.

Maybe love and friendships have a lot to do with happiness - what do you think?  You make yourself do things that are good for you, even if it is hard and you don't want to, and pretty soon it's the snowball effect to a happier life?  Can you have a happy life if you have depression?  Isn't that imposible?  So, it seems the only way to get happier is to get rid of the depression.  Since there is no cure and really no helpful meds, I assume I will always be plagued with depression.  You know that alone bothers me 10 times more than thinking about my eating disorder.  (I know they have a connection) - like if I was given a choice to not have major depressive disorder but still be bulimic or vice versa, I would want the depression gone, and still be puking.

I've been struggling the last few weeks even more than usual with trying to find a reason(s) to live my meaningless life.  From a purely hypothetical view, what are the odds that my depression will be cured - nope, so I know I will live the rest of my life with major depression (helped slightly by anti-depressants).  Will I outlive my kitties - unfortunately yes, 4 times over even and that will devastate me in ways I can't even imagine right now.  Will my parents die before me - very likely.  My sister doesn't really matter either way - she never lives near me anyway, and same with my stepsister in England.  My little brother has become quite the druggie lately, so it's conceivable that he might die before me, but either way I hardly see anyone in my family.

I just can't find anything that interests me or gives me hope that anything will ever change for the better.  I just don't see it.  I could date some guys, most guys are crappy so the odds aren't great that I'll find the love of my life.  I could get a different job - but they are all about the same financially for my education and training.  I'm so far in debt that it's about to go to collections (some of it already is) so, even if I did somewho manage to make a little extra money - it would get swallowed up by the debt monster and not even make a dent anyway.  Aside from an inheritance, marrying into money, doing something illegal, or spending the rest of my life in school with the hopes I could get into a lucrative career - my money situation will always be pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck and paying off debt.  Probably always renting, never owning.  Love, money, kids, etc. - none of that will change the fact that I have depression.

If you can't tell I've been thinking of rational reasons why not to kill myself.  It's not like it's so bad it's unbearable, it's more like it's so bland it's pointless.  Have you guys felt like this before?  Where it really has very little to do with feeling all emotional and wanting to die, more just like thinking it out and listing the pros and cons, like I would with any problem I'm trying to make a decision on.  Maybe this is an unfair question to ask, but can you think of any REAL, CONCRETE, logical reasons why I need to stick around?  I've been wracking my brain for the answer and all I can ever come up with are very little things - like it would make the people who know/love me sad for awhile if I wasn't around.  They would learn to move on just like everyone else always does.  I don't have any kids I'm responsible for and shouldn't abandon and make them grow up motherless.  I have my cats, all elderly, and I know they like me and might be a cat version of sad that I'm not around and have some stress in their lives from having to adjust to a new home(s).  Obviously, my employment would be easily replaced, as would a new maintainer for the site, I don't have real people friends anymore that would be affected much either way.  I believe my debts die with me since I'm not married and I'm not a minor - if not, they would go to my parents who can certainly handle $20,000 if they had to, but I don't think that would happen.

I don't have any real amazing talents that the world as a whole would be deprived of - painting masterpieces, cure for AIDS, passing important laws or social policy, anything of that sort.  I'm just one little piece of sand on a huge beach, without all the sand, there would be no beach, but each individual grain of sand is just a speck of the whole.  My life is mine, it's not like I need to be worthy by someone's standards in order to keep living it - I already have that right if I want it.  I guess my question is do I want to?  Is there enough potential to continue to tread water in the crap and see what might come along.  What would really be lost or gained either way?  I don't have any particular religious beliefs that make me feel I would be sinning.  My sin would be purposely inflicting pain on my loved ones by removing myself from their lives without their having any say in it simply for my own selfish reasons.

So, for those of you who aren't suicidal, what gives your life enough meaning to keep living it?  Are there things you think you might do in the future?  Do you have people who depend on you?  I hope this hasn't been too morbid, I'm just curious to get some thoughts on all this since it keeps coming up in my head.

Thanks!
Kristi

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old as dirt
Today is my birthday.  At 5:03 pm I turned 34.  Which always makes me think and wonder about the pro-life movement.  If life actually starts at conception, why do people not add like 9 months onto their birthdays?  Yes, I know it's called a "birth" day, but when you think about it, I'm actually closer to 35 than 34 if you go with that idea.  The only time anyone thinks about that stuff is when the issue of abortion comes up.  Anyway, so what did Kristi do to celebrate the 34th anniversary of miraculously entering into this crazy place?  Ummm...went to work, ummm...got a "burger" (no meat of course) and fries at McDonald's, ate a bunch more crap, including a new favorite discovery - white fudge oreos.  Now I'm going to purge.  Thank god all of those cells divided and my mom pushed me out of her so I can make everyone proud of my achievements by jamming fingers down my throat.  Can you imagine the state of the world if I wasn't a part of it?

Well, now I'm 23 minutes older and wiser still, and no longer have that birthday binge plaguing me.  Okay, that solved the problem of world peace obviously.  I'm just too fucking old for this bullshit.  Let's look back a couple years ago, when I turned 32.  Unemployed, depressed, fat, bored and suicidal.  Fast forward to my last birthday, 33 - still unemployed, even fatter, beyond bored to almost content with lack of thought, even more suicidal, alarmingly in massive debt from not working for 16 months, Mom pulls the depression intervention - 2 shrinks and lots of medications.  So, let's focus on the changes over the last few years...went from a crap job I hated to unemployed, to another crap job.  Went from virtually no debt, to about $20,000 in debt and barely able to make my minimum payments (which does nothing to lower the oustanding balance), to using every spare penny to buy food to puke.  Yep, I weigh less, however, I've gone from toned to flabby so I actually look fatter.  My biggest accomplishment this past year was learning "the art of the purge."  Fabulous, can't wait to share that one with my grandkids.  I won't have stories about how I was naked at Woodstock, or ran away with a circus one day as a contortionist, nope, granny mastered puking in her 30's.

I probably sound really down, but I'm just normal - enjoying my foibles through excessive sarcasm.  There is nothing more to do with my fucked up life than to laugh at it.  Here is a snapshot of my phone messages today:  Mom sang me happy birthday late last night (didn't pick up), Rite Aid pharmacy called to let me know my prescription for anxiety meds was ready to pick up (thanks dad, I guess you gave me a refill, huh), the receptionist at my dentist office called (again) to tell me I really need to call them and set up payments or something because I owe them so much money (again) and haven't done anything about it (little does she know, that's what I asked for from my parents for my birthday present), and my little brother just called to wish me a happy birthday (didn't pick up - I imagine my mom called to harrass him to call me since she asked me earlier today - when she sang happy birthday to me for the second time at work - if I had heard from him.  Oh, almost forgot, my IRL "friend" Christina called and left a happy birthday message yesterday.  She hasn't talked to me for months since I took a chance and told her about my eating disorder coming back.  Hmmmm, okay, whatever.  Funny how the pharmacy call is the only one that gives me any warm fuzzies.  I'm quite the ungrateful whore.  The call I haven't gotten is from my sister who lives in St. Thomas, so it's midnight there and I imagine she's asleep.  Not that I would answer it anyway - she might ask me how I am and then not believe my lies when I say I'm fine.

On and on and on and on it goes - people love me, I feel lonely anyway.  I did get one birthday present that I loved.  There are 2 girls at work who are fellow veggies and animal lovers and one of them got me a T-shirt from PAWS (Progressive Animal Welfare Society for those who don't know) so the fact that I became moldier today helped some stray cat somewhere I hope.  It was great to get to work today after being out sick for a week - my boss was thoroughly pissed because I guess my illness inconvenienced her and the rest of the company.  I'm not exactly sure how that's possible, since no one DID any of my work and it was all in a big pile on my desk today.  I understand, I was really having SO MUCH fun with my cold that it was almost like a vacation - I should feel guilty for not blowing snot all over them - how selfish am I?

Okay, I just called my dentist office and left a message that my parents have agreed to give them $500 for my birthday present.  Yay for birthdays - what did you get?  Me?  Oh, a couple fillings and a crown!  Of course, that's only half of what I owe them and I have more (much, much more, always more) work to get done, but I'm too embarrassed to see them at this point.  Bulimia is a glamorous "diet", isn't it?  Gives you that movie star smile and minty fresh breath!  So, here is what I want for reals for my birthday...to smoke a bowl, not get the munchies, and watch a groovy cartoon - maybe that rainforest one with Tone-Loc's voice in it, while snuggling my kitties, then collapsing into a full night's sleep, and not going to work tomorrow.  Ah, heaven!  Well, back to my sober reality and insomnia and getting ready for work tomorrow to be overwhelmed by payroll, and watching American Idol like a reject.  Hope everyone who was bored enough to read this is having an good night.

Kristi

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Here we are at Sunday night a-fuckin-gin.  I have had the last few days off work from having a cold and I've really needed some down time.  I think my body is finally adjusting to the increase in Prozac and I'm not having quite as much trouble sleeping.  I think it's funny that I said I was going to have a breakdown after I got proanorexia put together and running again and then I did.  Well, I just took my Sunday night shower while listening to the Beach Boys, then went outside and scooped about 6 inches of snow off my car, while singing all those sunshiney surfing songs - a bit odd, maybe.  I have this thing where I'm kind of like Superman and then people around me (especially their problems) are cryptonite (sp).  I can only be around them for a short amount of time before my shield gets weaker and weaker.  Once I get really weak is when I tend to get sick and need a few days to recharge the shield again.  I wish I was a stronger person in general - I feel like I'm always on the edge of complete disaster and meltdown and I seriously am almost proud when it's the end of the day and I've made it through to back home again.  Like it's some big accomplishment - but in my life it is - how sad.  I wonder if I would be one of those typical ladies in Victorian times who always were on the verge of fainting and were so frail and pale.

I think I'm going to have to have a talk with a few of my co-workers because that is what put me over the top last week.  I had all the stuff of my normal life and then stuff with the community needing to be done and I was okay enough.  But then every day at work several people throughout the day come into my office to vent about stuff at work or cry or just generally dump their problems on me and then the next person in line comes in.  When I have my shield fully charged, all is well and I give great advice, provide my shoulder for a good cry on, hear them out, and it's something I basically enjoy.  When I have my own stuff going on, I still try to be there for everyone and it just wears me the fuck out.

I had trouble falling asleep last night because I wanted to get up and write a kind of suicide note - things I wanted my family and friends to know.  I think that option is becoming more rational (as opposed to emotionally based) to me - I'm just not really sure what the point is to having this meaningless life.  Sure, I could go on waking up every day and going to an okay enough job (I've had worse), talking to some nice people and some annoying people, coming home, binging and purging and watching TV and going to sleep.  I'm just taking up space on the planet - not contributing, not really hurting or helping, just being a blob of organs.  I think I will put a few things down to my family, just so I have it on hand.  I sometimes think that if I could just take some time off (like a month) to not work and just relax and maybe do some painting or go stay in a hotel on the coast writing poetry.  That might be a nice month, but it's not going to fix any of my problems or stop me from being a blob with a life I don't want.

I just feel done.  There are many things I haven't done - many, many things - some potentially wonderful even.  I just don't feel like waiting for them to maybe show up or maybe not.  I'm tired and bored, but I also don't want to do the things I would need to in order to maybe change things.  And, really, what changes are even available?  I know a big part of the problem is depression - well, I've been treating that for years and years and it never goes away - I don't expect that I will ever be "cured".  Looking ahead to a life filled with constant depression, no matter what other things (maybe some good things even) might be going on in my life - I'm just not sure I see the point.  I will die at some time and that will make my family and friends sad, does it matter if it's sooner rather than later?  The results will be the same, it only comes down to timing.  I suppose I could wait for my cats to die first so they won't have to find a new home - but I don't think I want to be around for that either.  When any of them die, it will destroy me, let alone somehow making it through all 4?  There I am, being all selfish as usual.  I don't really know what else to say, I'm just thinking what I'm thinking.

Kristi

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Personality Test

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side link info addition
In my continuing efforts to make sure all disordered eating is represented in this community (yes, I know what the name of the community is - I can't change it) I have added some additional info on EDNOS (the most common and sometimes overlooked disorder) under the link for "Diagnostic Criteria".  I have also put descriptions of Othorexia and Exercise Bulimia (even though they aren't medically recognized disorders on their own).  Any thoughts?

Kristi

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help?

Guys, I need some help, and the only way you will know that is if I make a post about it.  I hate that I'm always coming at you with community issues, so I will try to make this simple request and then hopefully get a response and I won't have to keep harping on it or take more drastic measures, such as deleting everyone and asking for everyone to reapply to get back in.  I have gotten some criticism from some and praise from others for trying to turn this community into something for people who struggle with eating disorders, rather than a gathering place for (typically young) dieters and those wanting to worship "ana" and people who think this is THE lifestyle to adopt for the route to thinness and happiness.  It would be so helpful to me if more members would let me know about these people and posts so I can get rid of them. I understand that is going to be quite the undertaking and many people feel uncomfortable being "snitches," but I really want to knock some sense into this place. Any help I could get from the more rational members would be much appreciated. I'm doing what I can on the approval of memberships end, but short of simply deleting all the members and making everyone reapply, I'm not sure what to do. Any ideas? I allow anonymous posting on my journal with the hopes that people will be more comfortable reporting the wannarexics, but it just doesn't happen very often.  If you have any questions about what I'm referring to, let me know

Kristi

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Diagnostic criteria / harmful tips

Okay, I've skimmed through several psychology and nutrition books (textbooks, not opinion materials) and it seems clear that to qualify for anorexia nervosa, you need to fit all the specified criteria in the DSM-IV.  I am not a doctor, and I am not trying to diagnose anyone nor be the "ED police" so I'm looking at the overall picture when evaluating applications - if your BMI is 18.0, rather than 17.4, I'm not jumping down anyone's throat saying they aren't anorexic.  There are quite a few of us who use eating terms conversationally (i.e. I say I fast during the day, when really, fasting would more accurately be reflected by a much longer period of time.)  People say they are bulimic simply if they purge or use laxatives, regardless if it's for the strict "more than twice a week for longer than 3 months" and people who don't eat much use the term binge, when it's not several thousand calories, like a true binge, but just meaning it felt uncontrolled and more than they wanted to eat.  I'm okay with all of that kind of speaking in generalities.  However, if you are overweight, you are not anorexic.  Maybe at one point you were, maybe you feel like you are because you don't hardly eat, but just haven't lost enough weight to qualify for anorexia nervosa.

If you look over the criteria for EDNOS, most of the situations where you qualify for most of the criteria for anorexia or bulimia, but not all, are addressed there.  Such as, everything for anorexia, except you are still a normal weight, or you still have your period, or you binge and purge, but not as frequently or often enough to qualify for the bulimia diagnosis specifically.  I totally agree that it is ALL CONFUSING and seems somewhat contradictory.  I also happen to not be a huge fan of labels, however, my question on the application is to somewhat assess your knowledge of your disorder.  I'm not trying to be rude or take away your "anorexia" crown - I know there are different emotional meanings wrapped up in the various disorders.  As far as reality goes, that's all I'm asking for - not that you have an exact understanding of all the psychiatric journals, but that you have a general understanding and can be honest with yourself and others.  If you don't know, say you don't know - that's pretty much what I said on my own application (which you are welcome to read if you would like).  This isn't a test for entry, I'm just trying to see what kind of person you are and if you will be a good fit.  If you don't like that, or feel that's too judgemental or harsh, don't apply.  

Same goes for the rules (such as the infamous harmful tips rule) - if you disagree with it and think it's the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard, why are you trying to be a member of a community that upholds it?  I do understand that there is some ambiguity - what's considered harmful, what's not?  I am unable and unwilling to spend my entire life writing out every possible scenario that could come up, that's why I put that if you are unsure if it's appropriate, post it in your journal or ask me.  I'm sorry if that seems unfair, but I can't do much better than the HUGE paragraph I wrote in the user info rules and just depending on you guys to use good judgement.  Maybe this will help - whatever you are about to write...would you want your little sister / best friend / daughter to embrace and adopt those behaviors and tips?  That's the best I've got on that one - I can't anticipate every possible situation.

Kristi 

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